Letting go...

I feel lost. I feel numb. I guess I don’t have enough words or I can never explain how painful it is to lose someone the second time around. And I guess I would never understand why something like this come in to your life… make you feel that you’re happy and then just disappear just when you thought it’s  gonna stay forever…

I know I haven’t been the greatest nor the best girlfriend a guy could ask for. I have made mistakes that caused this loss. I’m not perfect but honest to God I did everything I know how to keep this relationship together… to protect it, to keep it.. to treasure it. But then again, it’s not in my hands to keep this great thing going. There are 2 people in a relationship. And if the other refuses to make things work the relationship would be nothing but a limp.

A chance was all I’m asking to make things right. But just as any chance, it has to be given. And yet, I didn’t get mine. He said he’s tired of me circling back to the same person he left before. He said he cannot give me the chance anymore. He said he gave up on me long time ago. And hearing of all these did hurt me the most.

At first, I find it so hard to accept that it’s the end of the road for us. As much as it hurts me that it’s over… it did hurt more when I saw the look in his face that he is sad… he doesn’t know what  to feel… he is consumed and most of all that look that he is in pain. So I did the one thing… the most difficult… the one thing that I know that can take all his pain away… I looked in his eyes… stroked his hair… lifted his chin… then I told him “ it’s ok… it’s never wrong to love yourself more… it’s never selfish… ok na sakin. You deserve to be happy…”

I tried to pull back the tears because I don’t want him to feel guilty about it but my eyes just kept on welling up and the tears just kept on falling. My heart was just on sooo much pain that it can’t help itself because it knows there’s nothing left do but to break and just let the tears flow…

On the way home, I’m trying to keep myself together. I’m trying not to show the pain.. the sadness but then again, my heart won’t let me. It just keeps on breaking with every second that passed and as we got near our house. When we got off the car I asked him to wait so I can give him the gift I got him for his birthday… and when I got back, I just know it’s the last time I could ever hug him like he is mine. I hugged him and for a moment I don’t want to ever let go because I know… as soon as our bodies part… he is a free man… a man whom I love but I should be ok without… a man that whom I chose to let go to make him happy…

When it’s time for him to leave, I told him I was sorry that I had to put him through this and that I’m thankful for everything. He got in the car. I stood there and waited for him to move around and go. I can tell it was also hard him but then again, it’s what he wanted. He stopped for a while then left. And there I was barely standing pouring my heart out, trying to pull myself together but it just won’t happen. I ran after the car then it was gone… I walked home crying. That same night, I said my last “I love you…”

They say when you give someone a part of your heart, it is not something you can ever take back. It is a part of you that is gone forever. And when I gave my heart to this person, I don’t care what he does with it anymore… if he treasures it, keeps it, ignores it or crushes it. All I know is that when I gave it to him, he had all I am and all the love I can offer. Even now that he chose to let it slip and break, I don’t regret giving it to him. Even for a million lifetimes, I would give it to him all over again. He knows very well how much I love him. And even though things between us fell apart,  it won’t change the fact that I love him.

I asked him once “anong sasabihin mo sakin kapag nakipaghiwalay ako sayo” and he told me that if we ever break up he would say… “we could have had the greatest love story ever told”  and yes I wouldn’t deny. This by far was the best I had. And I would forever remember him as the only man closest to my heart… deep inside it hurts me but I know I did the right thing to make him happy… It may not be the typical ending of happy ever after but at least the one I love so much got away with what his heart desires…and though it breaks me, I just know this is still the greatest love story ever told.

And maybe... just maybe…  it’s better off this way.