DONE.

i hate it when i say that it's done, i am over it and im moving on because i know it's just not true.

because even when im in so much pain, it takes just a little of you to calm my senses.

i hate it when i have to survive the day without getting a message from you.
then a day would turn into weeks
weeks would turn into a month without a single message.
i guess a month would turn into months or to the extreme - a year.
if i won't message you first.
i'm sick of being devoted to you.
if you wont message me, i wont message you either!
i'm not clingy, i'm not needy. you just dont know how much i miss you.
but i dont want to chase you anymore
i'm done with it.

i hate it when i'm trying to keep myself available for you.
when you on the other hand is having the time of your life with others
when you are enjoying the world without me
when you dont really care
i hate it.
and i hate myself for letting you do this to me.
if you're happy and enjoying this kind of situation,
i'm telling you I dont and you could go on without me.
i deserve to be happy!
i'm not possessive. i'm not selfish. i just think you dont want to spend
time with me as much as i want to spend time with you.. even for just a day!
then you would come to me as if you missed me.
and yes one day would've meant a lot but hey
i'm done of being taken for granted.

i hate the fact that i'm still waiting for you!
when i can see nothing from you!
when i cant feel that you still want me!
when i know that you're happy without me!
you would send me these mixed signals
giving me false hopes that one day, someday maybe we could get back.
but even you yourself is uncertain of what you want now!
i think you're old enough to know what you want.
and it's just sad that it isn't me..
i'm tired of this emotional torture you're putting me through
just tell me the real score.
i'm not impatient. it's not that i don't understand.
i just want to settle this once and for all for me to be ok, and for you to be happy already.
and it's just that why are you holding me up like this?
i hate to think of it as if you're playing with me...
i'm tired of making what you want work for me.
i'm done with it.

i hate myself for actually believing that we would ever get back.
i knew it the moment you left that you're not coming back.
but still i'm here after almost 8 months.. still hoping that you would find your way to me.
i hate myself for holding on to whatever you told me.
i should have known that words are just words..
and that it's nothing i could really hold on to.
but guess what? i'm letting loose of those words
i'm not being demanding but those words would stay as they are unless you do something.
you are saying too much yet doing so little.
i'm sick of making myself satisfied with the little things that you do.
i'm burnout in believing that there's still hope.. that something would happen..
and i'm so done with it.

now this is the day i fear.
the day i could actually say that i'm tired and i'm giving you up.

you know i would never want to let you go... again. 
but i'm guessing it's not the WANT that matters now..
i guess I NEED to let you go now.

in the end, let me just say that I honestly never got tired of loving you.
i just got tired of assuming, hearing lies, waiting and hurting.
who wouldn't?

i'm done.

Surviving Everyday

It gets harder and harder everyday.

What am I supposed to do now?
I don't see him, I can't talk to him regularly, and If we do, we hardly talk about anything.
I just want to know the real score...
because right now I get torn between whether there's still something or none really..

Ako lang naman yata ang naghihintay.
Maybe it's true.. while I am exclusive to him... he is exclusive with med..
well I pretty much understand that I'm not the priority here. And that's the way it's supposed to be.
and believe it or not, i really understand because if I'm in his shoes, med would also be the priority.

Well something happened last week that got me questioning..
he partied last Friday night and I asked him what happened..
he said he did some catching up with friends, buddies.. and his "chicks"
I admit. I am jealous. I'm in no position to be but I am.

We're not a couple anymore so.. I understand why he did it and why he said it just as easy.
but i can't help but feel jealous :(

I guess I took what we talked about last summer soo seriously..
"basta may kailangan lang akong gawin"
"ano iiwan mo nanaman ako no?"
"hindi na mauulit yun..."
that's why I had this feeling of "exclusiveness" between us..

maybe I just hoped  and believed it too much that's why I'm like this..
but the fact remains that WE ARE NOT A COUPLE ANYMORE..
there's really no "exclusive" thing going on.
he is single.
he can do pretty much whatever he wants.
and this makes me worried, mind fucked everyday.

he can be with me last week, but I don't know for the next days, weeks or months to come.
maybe he just really missed my company.

Not really being demanding here or anything..
I just want some kind of assurance that it's me.. it's still me.
not necessarily we would get back together now. but just a little assurance that I'm waiting for something.

the last time we talked, i asked him if he missed me.
"di mo ba ako namimiss?"
"busy kasi eh.. sorry.. why?"
"Tinatanong ko lang kung namimiss mo ko. alam ko namang busy ka"
"ah. hahaha anong oras ka pupunta"
"di mo naman sinagot. ako na nga lang... I miss you! 6 or 7 daw"
"miss you too"
I dont know if he really does.
well If i haven't asked him a couple of times.. he would say it.
note that i was the one to tell him first.
It seemed like he ignores my question..
It seemed like napilitan lang siyang sagutin just so i would shut up.

He always do this..
not texting.. not even one! for a matter of days or weeks.. ako pa mauunang magtext.
again not being demanding here, pero I doubt that he's not using his phone..
1 or 2 minutes to text me.. hindi naman ganun katagal. kahit isang text lang naman..
but it takes him days.. weeks to send me one message. :(
and when he texts me.. parang wala lang nangyari. we would see each other again,
maguusap ulit.. then wala nanaman.

I guess he doesn't know how much torture it gives me everyday waiting for a message..
or torture it gives me not knowing if I'm still waiting for something..
when he doesn't talk to me, I don't know if he ever will. and it's sad :|

everyday I go through this emotional torture.. everything seems to go soo well.
siya na lang ang hindi.
my friends tell me that i should stop waiting already..
but I just know he's worth the wait and all these torture.
I just hope that he knows what i'm doing for him..
things that i would never do for another guy..

I hate to say this but if not him, no one else would be my man.
he knows this very well.
I may move on from what we had.. but it would take a very very long time for me to be open again..
because he broke me once.. and i managed to pull myself together.
he may break me for the second time but i don't think i would ever get up from that..

i may be able to fight this feeling everyday..
I just hope I would never get tired of this..