Surviving Everyday

It gets harder and harder everyday.

What am I supposed to do now?
I don't see him, I can't talk to him regularly, and If we do, we hardly talk about anything.
I just want to know the real score...
because right now I get torn between whether there's still something or none really..

Ako lang naman yata ang naghihintay.
Maybe it's true.. while I am exclusive to him... he is exclusive with med..
well I pretty much understand that I'm not the priority here. And that's the way it's supposed to be.
and believe it or not, i really understand because if I'm in his shoes, med would also be the priority.

Well something happened last week that got me questioning..
he partied last Friday night and I asked him what happened..
he said he did some catching up with friends, buddies.. and his "chicks"
I admit. I am jealous. I'm in no position to be but I am.

We're not a couple anymore so.. I understand why he did it and why he said it just as easy.
but i can't help but feel jealous :(

I guess I took what we talked about last summer soo seriously..
"basta may kailangan lang akong gawin"
"ano iiwan mo nanaman ako no?"
"hindi na mauulit yun..."
that's why I had this feeling of "exclusiveness" between us..

maybe I just hoped  and believed it too much that's why I'm like this..
but the fact remains that WE ARE NOT A COUPLE ANYMORE..
there's really no "exclusive" thing going on.
he is single.
he can do pretty much whatever he wants.
and this makes me worried, mind fucked everyday.

he can be with me last week, but I don't know for the next days, weeks or months to come.
maybe he just really missed my company.

Not really being demanding here or anything..
I just want some kind of assurance that it's me.. it's still me.
not necessarily we would get back together now. but just a little assurance that I'm waiting for something.

the last time we talked, i asked him if he missed me.
"di mo ba ako namimiss?"
"busy kasi eh.. sorry.. why?"
"Tinatanong ko lang kung namimiss mo ko. alam ko namang busy ka"
"ah. hahaha anong oras ka pupunta"
"di mo naman sinagot. ako na nga lang... I miss you! 6 or 7 daw"
"miss you too"
I dont know if he really does.
well If i haven't asked him a couple of times.. he would say it.
note that i was the one to tell him first.
It seemed like he ignores my question..
It seemed like napilitan lang siyang sagutin just so i would shut up.

He always do this..
not texting.. not even one! for a matter of days or weeks.. ako pa mauunang magtext.
again not being demanding here, pero I doubt that he's not using his phone..
1 or 2 minutes to text me.. hindi naman ganun katagal. kahit isang text lang naman..
but it takes him days.. weeks to send me one message. :(
and when he texts me.. parang wala lang nangyari. we would see each other again,
maguusap ulit.. then wala nanaman.

I guess he doesn't know how much torture it gives me everyday waiting for a message..
or torture it gives me not knowing if I'm still waiting for something..
when he doesn't talk to me, I don't know if he ever will. and it's sad :|

everyday I go through this emotional torture.. everything seems to go soo well.
siya na lang ang hindi.
my friends tell me that i should stop waiting already..
but I just know he's worth the wait and all these torture.
I just hope that he knows what i'm doing for him..
things that i would never do for another guy..

I hate to say this but if not him, no one else would be my man.
he knows this very well.
I may move on from what we had.. but it would take a very very long time for me to be open again..
because he broke me once.. and i managed to pull myself together.
he may break me for the second time but i don't think i would ever get up from that..

i may be able to fight this feeling everyday..
I just hope I would never get tired of this..