The Promise I Live For

i have always lived believing the promise of love...

"no matter how long the time, how far the distance or how impossible it may seem...
love will find its way back to the hearts where it's destined to stay..."

maybe that's the reason I'm still here.
I still have faith,
I still hope,
I still hold on,
I still wait,
and I still love...

and maybe the reason I find it so hard to let go of the person I thought I found love with...

I thought that the most painful thing that I could ever experience is
when he left me,
when I tried so hard to give him what he wants at my cost,
when I'm moving on and I miss him...

but then again, I was wrong.

these days I found myself realizing that there's more pain when he came back,
he made me feel all the things i have longed to feel again,
he made me believe that he will never leave me again,
worst, he made me love him again...
even when he still doesn't love me.
even when he treats me like he just missed my company.
even when nothing has changed.

I don't really know what to do now.
my heart tells me that "I can't loose him again.."
NO NOT AGAIN.
but my mind says that "I shoud not let him hurt me again.."
NO NOT AGAIN.

that day I let him go, I did it for him.
upto the last day of the relationship that I learned to love,
I gave him what HE WANTS
I gave him what can MAKE HIM HAPPY
I gave him the freedom that can make things EASIER FOR HIM...

yes.
I gave it up ALL FOR HIM.
it wasn't easy. it never will.
but for him, I did it.
and though it shattered all of me,
i tried so hard to survive.
not to accept or to be ok
BUT TO SURVIVE...

somehow I managed to live for a month without him..
without communication, without seeing him...

...without him, but with the hope that one day 
he'll come to his senses and realize that 
I'm still the girl he wants to spend his forever with.. 

because again, I still believe in the promise of love...
that no matter how long the time, how far the distance or
how impossible it may seem love will find its way back to my heart and his
where it's destined to stay
FOREVER...

him and my heart

I may not be his first, his last or his only.
He loved before he may love again.
But if he loves me now, what else matters?

He's not perfect- I am not either, the two of us
may never be perfect together but he can make me laugh
cause me to think twice, and admit to being human and
making mistakes, that's why I'm holding on to him and giving him
the most I can.

I may not be thinking about him every second of the day,

"but i will give him a part of me that i know he can break again - my heart."

I will try not to hurt him again, i wont change him, i wont analyze and
expect more than he can give.
I'll smile when he makes me happy, let him
know when he makes me mad, and miss him when he's not here.

I miss my baby and I think somewhere lost inside me.. I still love him.

inescapable torture

after a devastating break up, one can move on from the person who left
and the relationship that died down. the love you once felt will soon fade
and fizzle to nothing... but there's something in break ups that makes it hard
to get along.. to move forward.. to see what's there after the storm... those are
the memories. memories that make you hold on, let you look back and cloud your
mind to the point of sinking in to the past.. and most specially, make you miss the
person you used to love.

you see missing someone you can never regain is like torture.
painful yet you could not do anything about it. because the only person that can make
the pain stop is the same person causing the pain.

needless to say, missing the person is the hardest and most painful part of moving on..
and yes, i'm in great torture all because..

"i'm missing you.."

i miss talking to you about random things
simple conversations.. that we didn't even notice we're falling
i miss that one person that makes me look forward to the end of the day
all because we'd go home together and he'll stay

i miss the way i want to speed up the days towards the weekends
just so i could spend time with you again
i miss getting excited for a specific date on the calendar
knowing that it's a special day for me and my heart

i miss the way you hug me
i feel secured that you would never want to let me go
i miss how you kiss me
how much passion i feel as we move slow
i miss those hugs and kisses
makes me feel that in this world, i'm the girl who's the luckiest

i miss the times when we eat dinner
as we pray with our hands together
i miss the times that i find myself enjoying watching you sleep
as i stroke your hair down, my heart just seems to skip a beat

i miss making those amazing plans
and the way i feel after our slow dance
i miss taking care of my love
i could still remember how thankful I am to the man above

i miss loving you
in all the things you say and do
i miss making you feel special in every way
all for you hun, as i say everyday

i miss how we look forward to our tomorrow
how much i believed it, you will never know
i miss how you made whole
like no one ever made me feel in the world
i miss the way you say you love me
and that I am that one girl you wanted to marry

i miss all those thimes that we used to spend together
all things we do for each other
i miss us thinking that there will be no other
we would rather share our forever..

From here to there!

Moving on is really hard to do.. well not only hard but painful as well. But at one point in time, you would feel the  "kick" you've been waiting for to wake up and face it.


Me? I felt the kick last March 29. The kick was so hard it knocked me down but when I woke up on the 30th of March... I was once again alive.


And yeah I'm moving on!


... and I'm doing it MY STYLE :)


MY STYLE #1 : Cry... alot!!

Well I think it's just human to cry your eyes out after the break up... surely it would take long and I think it's just natural. Others would think that you're over reacting about it but you're actually not. It's painful, so it's ok to cry :)


My friends always tell me that i shouldn't cry and i should be strong instead. But hey! masking and pretending doesn't equate to being strong either! So whenever you feel sad or you feel like crying... just do :) You know it's healthy :)


MY STYLE #2 : Work your fingers!


I'm advising girls to do this one. Write down the things that you feel whenever and whatever! It would help your healing! You can channel your feelings and put them into words. When you write.. you think of a lot of things and most of the time, realizations will come your way :) So better work those fingers! That's one of the greatest gift of God to girls :)


MY STYLE #3 : Pop the Bottles!


Drink! It's not a cure and I know that! but drinking allows me  to release extra tension within! Party hard :) Enjoy yourself! and yes after the party nothing has changed. But that's not my goal here! I don't drink and party to change something! My goal here is to laugh, enjoy, tire myself and feel the freedom even for just one crazy night! If you're going to do this.. don't let others enjoy you too :)


MY STYLE #4 : Fishes Talk!


I talk to other guys! Well that's what I learned. I used to believe that i should be isolated and stuff.. i realized I shouldn't be!! I'm healing but I'm not infectious :) haha! so i talk to them... IT helps me divert my attention especially those guys who like me :) and yeah i know it sounds kinda bitchy but hey! I'm single :) It won't harm me or anyone if i talk to them.. but I'm not engaging in anything serious and I'm not holding them up as well. we just talk.. Plus!!It brings back my lost self confidence! :)

my love.. my forever..

my heart sank :(

i just broke up with the person i love last week..

i miss him a lot.
i love him even more.

and though it kills me to let him go..
i did.
not because i don't love him anymore.
but he already fell out of love..
for the record, i love him so much that my heart died when i said...


" remember what i told you last night? i told you im sorry i was selfish.
for the last time.. i don't want to be selfish anymore. i'm letting you go now"


as much as i don't want to leave him.. i don't want him to suffer as well..
he doesn't love me anymore.
he loves me but not like before.
he said he doesn't want to lie to me.
he said he dies a little inside when he sees me happy when the truth is.. he's faking it.
he said i deserve better than this.
he said "let me go.."

i cried alot.
it did hurt like hell.
i wanted to die.
just the thought of us apart makes me feel doomed.
i love him... so much

frustration.
that's what killed us.
and though both of us wanted what we have so bad.
though we worked hard for it..
we just didn't meet the expectations set by each other.
it hurts me..

it's hard to just swallow every bit of this.
and yes i won't deny that i am tired.
but i'm still more than willing to work things out.
because i want him..
because i need him..
above all, i love him..

i don't want to quit now..
now that we know what we had to know.
now that we know what we should do..
now that we know why we got burnout.

" we tried to solve things by ourselves. we handled it single
handedly when we should've worked on it together"

i could recall we promised to work on it together..
"pag my problema, tandem tayong dalawa"

i agreed and i was soo touched and i felt important.
but this turned out to be one of our frustrations..

i asked him to stay after the break up..
but then he said no let me go.
and that's just a bitter pill i had to take in.
i asked him to stay not just to make me feel better..
but i asked him to stay because i still cherish what we could share..
and if there's one thing that i want to do, it would be making it right with him this time.
this time.. we would be together in all things.
this time.. we would turn our promise to reality.
because how we deal with things may change..
but the way i feel this love for him... i just know won't change.


...i just broke up with the person i love last week..

i miss him a lot.
i love him even more. :(