Letting go...

I feel lost. I feel numb. I guess I don’t have enough words or I can never explain how painful it is to lose someone the second time around. And I guess I would never understand why something like this come in to your life… make you feel that you’re happy and then just disappear just when you thought it’s  gonna stay forever…

I know I haven’t been the greatest nor the best girlfriend a guy could ask for. I have made mistakes that caused this loss. I’m not perfect but honest to God I did everything I know how to keep this relationship together… to protect it, to keep it.. to treasure it. But then again, it’s not in my hands to keep this great thing going. There are 2 people in a relationship. And if the other refuses to make things work the relationship would be nothing but a limp.

A chance was all I’m asking to make things right. But just as any chance, it has to be given. And yet, I didn’t get mine. He said he’s tired of me circling back to the same person he left before. He said he cannot give me the chance anymore. He said he gave up on me long time ago. And hearing of all these did hurt me the most.

At first, I find it so hard to accept that it’s the end of the road for us. As much as it hurts me that it’s over… it did hurt more when I saw the look in his face that he is sad… he doesn’t know what  to feel… he is consumed and most of all that look that he is in pain. So I did the one thing… the most difficult… the one thing that I know that can take all his pain away… I looked in his eyes… stroked his hair… lifted his chin… then I told him “ it’s ok… it’s never wrong to love yourself more… it’s never selfish… ok na sakin. You deserve to be happy…”

I tried to pull back the tears because I don’t want him to feel guilty about it but my eyes just kept on welling up and the tears just kept on falling. My heart was just on sooo much pain that it can’t help itself because it knows there’s nothing left do but to break and just let the tears flow…

On the way home, I’m trying to keep myself together. I’m trying not to show the pain.. the sadness but then again, my heart won’t let me. It just keeps on breaking with every second that passed and as we got near our house. When we got off the car I asked him to wait so I can give him the gift I got him for his birthday… and when I got back, I just know it’s the last time I could ever hug him like he is mine. I hugged him and for a moment I don’t want to ever let go because I know… as soon as our bodies part… he is a free man… a man whom I love but I should be ok without… a man that whom I chose to let go to make him happy…

When it’s time for him to leave, I told him I was sorry that I had to put him through this and that I’m thankful for everything. He got in the car. I stood there and waited for him to move around and go. I can tell it was also hard him but then again, it’s what he wanted. He stopped for a while then left. And there I was barely standing pouring my heart out, trying to pull myself together but it just won’t happen. I ran after the car then it was gone… I walked home crying. That same night, I said my last “I love you…”

They say when you give someone a part of your heart, it is not something you can ever take back. It is a part of you that is gone forever. And when I gave my heart to this person, I don’t care what he does with it anymore… if he treasures it, keeps it, ignores it or crushes it. All I know is that when I gave it to him, he had all I am and all the love I can offer. Even now that he chose to let it slip and break, I don’t regret giving it to him. Even for a million lifetimes, I would give it to him all over again. He knows very well how much I love him. And even though things between us fell apart,  it won’t change the fact that I love him.

I asked him once “anong sasabihin mo sakin kapag nakipaghiwalay ako sayo” and he told me that if we ever break up he would say… “we could have had the greatest love story ever told”  and yes I wouldn’t deny. This by far was the best I had. And I would forever remember him as the only man closest to my heart… deep inside it hurts me but I know I did the right thing to make him happy… It may not be the typical ending of happy ever after but at least the one I love so much got away with what his heart desires…and though it breaks me, I just know this is still the greatest love story ever told.

And maybe... just maybe…  it’s better off this way. 

something I adviced my sister :)

#1 assess yourself. ano ang pinapaniwalaan mo? kasi kahit anong hanap mo sa 

katotohanan, kung may pinaniniwalaan ka na, you will not consider it as the truth because 

you will not believe it. and in the end you'll just keep on searching for things that will prove 

what you believe in kahit anong mangyari. :)





#2 consider what will happen if you do it. para sakin kasi, if it's not worth it, i wont do it. 

kunwari na lang gagawin ko ang isang bagay pero may masisira na isa pang mas 

importante, bakit ko pa gagawin? kung mas malaki naman yung damage na mangyayari 

kesa sa ikabubuti nya. :)




#3 and finally, ask yourself and know what matters most to you :)


this is I how do it :) try to think about these 3 things and answer them with an open heart 

and honesty... then you will know which decision will be worth it :)) ♥

are you?

every night I find myself praying for you and our relationship. for so long I have been feeling strange around you.. it's as if I dont know you anymore :( what we have now is good but i dont know if it's better than what we had before.. I think you have changed a lot.. i dont know if we are still in this relationship because we want to or just because we are comfortable with each other..

before, when i'm with you i never feel awkward, alone or whatever... but now? it feels like i'm with someone i dont know so well.. i dont know what you want anymore. i dont know if i can still give you what you want. i dont know if can still make you happy because i dont understand you...

before you used to be so into me that every story i have you would listen so eagerly but now, you're making me feel like you're just hearing what i'm saying but not actually listening. you make me feel that you call and text me because you have to... and i really feel bad :( i dont know but i have been feeling you're being distant..

are you still that guy who wanted me back? 

to the girl that would have the person i love

this is a letter to the luckiest girl that i would forever envy for having the person i love..
with this, i want to tell you how much i love this guy and how much i want you to love him..

i never imagined that i would write something like this as much as i never want to let him go.
but if you're the one who made him smile genuinely again,
if you're the one who made everything ok or even better again,
if you're the one who made everything so perfect again,
if you're the one who made his heart beat fervently again,
if you're the one who made him feel that he is inlove and nothing else matters,
if you're the one who made him believe in forever again,
then i guess you're the one that can make him happy everyday of his life.
i'm actually dying inside to say this, but i'm happy for you.

i never wanted something so bad up to the day he left..
honestly, i never thought i could do what i have done - to let him have what he wants.
i love him so much.. but i love him THAT much to let him go.
i love him and nothing else matters.. nothing but his happiness.
i love him and i want him to be happy forever, even without me..

i know you're a special girl and he saw that.
you're that girl that can make him feel the most loved person over everyone.
you're that girl that can effortlessly put a smile in his heart.
you're that girl that can love him more than i did.
hands down to you and i entrust him with you...

please always try to make things easier for him, he is not hard to please
always put a smile not only to his face but always in his heart...
always be there for him, hold his hand no matter what.
everytime you would hug, hug him as if you wouldn't want to let go..
kiss him like he is your breath you need to take in..
cuddle him like a baby, play with his hair.. that always makes him sleep.
introduce him to your family, they would love him..
embrace everything about him..
love his family, friends and try not to be jealous..
try to understand everything, if you don't, tell him.. he would understand
let him do what he wants to do and always be there to support him..
make sure that you'd be there in his every achievement..
i know he would want to see you beside him in all things.
make every moment count, make a lot of memories together..
always make him feel that you're so lucky to have him..
and when you fight, don't give him up..
always say sorry. it's not always you're fault but you're sorry for hurting him..
never yell nor raise your voice at him, hug him instead then try to talk
as calmly as you can.. talk to him. talk to his heart.
there will always be rough times but  i want you to promise me
that you would work on it together, without giving up.
never give up on him.

i could only say so much but just promise me this
that you would do your best not to hurt him in any way
and that you would give whatever it takes to make him happy 
because love him more than anything.. 

thank you..
and i'm wishing for your happiness...

DONE.

i hate it when i say that it's done, i am over it and im moving on because i know it's just not true.

because even when im in so much pain, it takes just a little of you to calm my senses.

i hate it when i have to survive the day without getting a message from you.
then a day would turn into weeks
weeks would turn into a month without a single message.
i guess a month would turn into months or to the extreme - a year.
if i won't message you first.
i'm sick of being devoted to you.
if you wont message me, i wont message you either!
i'm not clingy, i'm not needy. you just dont know how much i miss you.
but i dont want to chase you anymore
i'm done with it.

i hate it when i'm trying to keep myself available for you.
when you on the other hand is having the time of your life with others
when you are enjoying the world without me
when you dont really care
i hate it.
and i hate myself for letting you do this to me.
if you're happy and enjoying this kind of situation,
i'm telling you I dont and you could go on without me.
i deserve to be happy!
i'm not possessive. i'm not selfish. i just think you dont want to spend
time with me as much as i want to spend time with you.. even for just a day!
then you would come to me as if you missed me.
and yes one day would've meant a lot but hey
i'm done of being taken for granted.

i hate the fact that i'm still waiting for you!
when i can see nothing from you!
when i cant feel that you still want me!
when i know that you're happy without me!
you would send me these mixed signals
giving me false hopes that one day, someday maybe we could get back.
but even you yourself is uncertain of what you want now!
i think you're old enough to know what you want.
and it's just sad that it isn't me..
i'm tired of this emotional torture you're putting me through
just tell me the real score.
i'm not impatient. it's not that i don't understand.
i just want to settle this once and for all for me to be ok, and for you to be happy already.
and it's just that why are you holding me up like this?
i hate to think of it as if you're playing with me...
i'm tired of making what you want work for me.
i'm done with it.

i hate myself for actually believing that we would ever get back.
i knew it the moment you left that you're not coming back.
but still i'm here after almost 8 months.. still hoping that you would find your way to me.
i hate myself for holding on to whatever you told me.
i should have known that words are just words..
and that it's nothing i could really hold on to.
but guess what? i'm letting loose of those words
i'm not being demanding but those words would stay as they are unless you do something.
you are saying too much yet doing so little.
i'm sick of making myself satisfied with the little things that you do.
i'm burnout in believing that there's still hope.. that something would happen..
and i'm so done with it.

now this is the day i fear.
the day i could actually say that i'm tired and i'm giving you up.

you know i would never want to let you go... again. 
but i'm guessing it's not the WANT that matters now..
i guess I NEED to let you go now.

in the end, let me just say that I honestly never got tired of loving you.
i just got tired of assuming, hearing lies, waiting and hurting.
who wouldn't?

i'm done.

Surviving Everyday

It gets harder and harder everyday.

What am I supposed to do now?
I don't see him, I can't talk to him regularly, and If we do, we hardly talk about anything.
I just want to know the real score...
because right now I get torn between whether there's still something or none really..

Ako lang naman yata ang naghihintay.
Maybe it's true.. while I am exclusive to him... he is exclusive with med..
well I pretty much understand that I'm not the priority here. And that's the way it's supposed to be.
and believe it or not, i really understand because if I'm in his shoes, med would also be the priority.

Well something happened last week that got me questioning..
he partied last Friday night and I asked him what happened..
he said he did some catching up with friends, buddies.. and his "chicks"
I admit. I am jealous. I'm in no position to be but I am.

We're not a couple anymore so.. I understand why he did it and why he said it just as easy.
but i can't help but feel jealous :(

I guess I took what we talked about last summer soo seriously..
"basta may kailangan lang akong gawin"
"ano iiwan mo nanaman ako no?"
"hindi na mauulit yun..."
that's why I had this feeling of "exclusiveness" between us..

maybe I just hoped  and believed it too much that's why I'm like this..
but the fact remains that WE ARE NOT A COUPLE ANYMORE..
there's really no "exclusive" thing going on.
he is single.
he can do pretty much whatever he wants.
and this makes me worried, mind fucked everyday.

he can be with me last week, but I don't know for the next days, weeks or months to come.
maybe he just really missed my company.

Not really being demanding here or anything..
I just want some kind of assurance that it's me.. it's still me.
not necessarily we would get back together now. but just a little assurance that I'm waiting for something.

the last time we talked, i asked him if he missed me.
"di mo ba ako namimiss?"
"busy kasi eh.. sorry.. why?"
"Tinatanong ko lang kung namimiss mo ko. alam ko namang busy ka"
"ah. hahaha anong oras ka pupunta"
"di mo naman sinagot. ako na nga lang... I miss you! 6 or 7 daw"
"miss you too"
I dont know if he really does.
well If i haven't asked him a couple of times.. he would say it.
note that i was the one to tell him first.
It seemed like he ignores my question..
It seemed like napilitan lang siyang sagutin just so i would shut up.

He always do this..
not texting.. not even one! for a matter of days or weeks.. ako pa mauunang magtext.
again not being demanding here, pero I doubt that he's not using his phone..
1 or 2 minutes to text me.. hindi naman ganun katagal. kahit isang text lang naman..
but it takes him days.. weeks to send me one message. :(
and when he texts me.. parang wala lang nangyari. we would see each other again,
maguusap ulit.. then wala nanaman.

I guess he doesn't know how much torture it gives me everyday waiting for a message..
or torture it gives me not knowing if I'm still waiting for something..
when he doesn't talk to me, I don't know if he ever will. and it's sad :|

everyday I go through this emotional torture.. everything seems to go soo well.
siya na lang ang hindi.
my friends tell me that i should stop waiting already..
but I just know he's worth the wait and all these torture.
I just hope that he knows what i'm doing for him..
things that i would never do for another guy..

I hate to say this but if not him, no one else would be my man.
he knows this very well.
I may move on from what we had.. but it would take a very very long time for me to be open again..
because he broke me once.. and i managed to pull myself together.
he may break me for the second time but i don't think i would ever get up from that..

i may be able to fight this feeling everyday..
I just hope I would never get tired of this..

The Promise I Live For

i have always lived believing the promise of love...

"no matter how long the time, how far the distance or how impossible it may seem...
love will find its way back to the hearts where it's destined to stay..."

maybe that's the reason I'm still here.
I still have faith,
I still hope,
I still hold on,
I still wait,
and I still love...

and maybe the reason I find it so hard to let go of the person I thought I found love with...

I thought that the most painful thing that I could ever experience is
when he left me,
when I tried so hard to give him what he wants at my cost,
when I'm moving on and I miss him...

but then again, I was wrong.

these days I found myself realizing that there's more pain when he came back,
he made me feel all the things i have longed to feel again,
he made me believe that he will never leave me again,
worst, he made me love him again...
even when he still doesn't love me.
even when he treats me like he just missed my company.
even when nothing has changed.

I don't really know what to do now.
my heart tells me that "I can't loose him again.."
NO NOT AGAIN.
but my mind says that "I shoud not let him hurt me again.."
NO NOT AGAIN.

that day I let him go, I did it for him.
upto the last day of the relationship that I learned to love,
I gave him what HE WANTS
I gave him what can MAKE HIM HAPPY
I gave him the freedom that can make things EASIER FOR HIM...

yes.
I gave it up ALL FOR HIM.
it wasn't easy. it never will.
but for him, I did it.
and though it shattered all of me,
i tried so hard to survive.
not to accept or to be ok
BUT TO SURVIVE...

somehow I managed to live for a month without him..
without communication, without seeing him...

...without him, but with the hope that one day 
he'll come to his senses and realize that 
I'm still the girl he wants to spend his forever with.. 

because again, I still believe in the promise of love...
that no matter how long the time, how far the distance or
how impossible it may seem love will find its way back to my heart and his
where it's destined to stay
FOREVER...