to the girl that would have the person i love

this is a letter to the luckiest girl that i would forever envy for having the person i love..
with this, i want to tell you how much i love this guy and how much i want you to love him..

i never imagined that i would write something like this as much as i never want to let him go.
but if you're the one who made him smile genuinely again,
if you're the one who made everything ok or even better again,
if you're the one who made everything so perfect again,
if you're the one who made his heart beat fervently again,
if you're the one who made him feel that he is inlove and nothing else matters,
if you're the one who made him believe in forever again,
then i guess you're the one that can make him happy everyday of his life.
i'm actually dying inside to say this, but i'm happy for you.

i never wanted something so bad up to the day he left..
honestly, i never thought i could do what i have done - to let him have what he wants.
i love him so much.. but i love him THAT much to let him go.
i love him and nothing else matters.. nothing but his happiness.
i love him and i want him to be happy forever, even without me..

i know you're a special girl and he saw that.
you're that girl that can make him feel the most loved person over everyone.
you're that girl that can effortlessly put a smile in his heart.
you're that girl that can love him more than i did.
hands down to you and i entrust him with you...

please always try to make things easier for him, he is not hard to please
always put a smile not only to his face but always in his heart...
always be there for him, hold his hand no matter what.
everytime you would hug, hug him as if you wouldn't want to let go..
kiss him like he is your breath you need to take in..
cuddle him like a baby, play with his hair.. that always makes him sleep.
introduce him to your family, they would love him..
embrace everything about him..
love his family, friends and try not to be jealous..
try to understand everything, if you don't, tell him.. he would understand
let him do what he wants to do and always be there to support him..
make sure that you'd be there in his every achievement..
i know he would want to see you beside him in all things.
make every moment count, make a lot of memories together..
always make him feel that you're so lucky to have him..
and when you fight, don't give him up..
always say sorry. it's not always you're fault but you're sorry for hurting him..
never yell nor raise your voice at him, hug him instead then try to talk
as calmly as you can.. talk to him. talk to his heart.
there will always be rough times but  i want you to promise me
that you would work on it together, without giving up.
never give up on him.

i could only say so much but just promise me this
that you would do your best not to hurt him in any way
and that you would give whatever it takes to make him happy 
because love him more than anything.. 

thank you..
and i'm wishing for your happiness...

DONE.

i hate it when i say that it's done, i am over it and im moving on because i know it's just not true.

because even when im in so much pain, it takes just a little of you to calm my senses.

i hate it when i have to survive the day without getting a message from you.
then a day would turn into weeks
weeks would turn into a month without a single message.
i guess a month would turn into months or to the extreme - a year.
if i won't message you first.
i'm sick of being devoted to you.
if you wont message me, i wont message you either!
i'm not clingy, i'm not needy. you just dont know how much i miss you.
but i dont want to chase you anymore
i'm done with it.

i hate it when i'm trying to keep myself available for you.
when you on the other hand is having the time of your life with others
when you are enjoying the world without me
when you dont really care
i hate it.
and i hate myself for letting you do this to me.
if you're happy and enjoying this kind of situation,
i'm telling you I dont and you could go on without me.
i deserve to be happy!
i'm not possessive. i'm not selfish. i just think you dont want to spend
time with me as much as i want to spend time with you.. even for just a day!
then you would come to me as if you missed me.
and yes one day would've meant a lot but hey
i'm done of being taken for granted.

i hate the fact that i'm still waiting for you!
when i can see nothing from you!
when i cant feel that you still want me!
when i know that you're happy without me!
you would send me these mixed signals
giving me false hopes that one day, someday maybe we could get back.
but even you yourself is uncertain of what you want now!
i think you're old enough to know what you want.
and it's just sad that it isn't me..
i'm tired of this emotional torture you're putting me through
just tell me the real score.
i'm not impatient. it's not that i don't understand.
i just want to settle this once and for all for me to be ok, and for you to be happy already.
and it's just that why are you holding me up like this?
i hate to think of it as if you're playing with me...
i'm tired of making what you want work for me.
i'm done with it.

i hate myself for actually believing that we would ever get back.
i knew it the moment you left that you're not coming back.
but still i'm here after almost 8 months.. still hoping that you would find your way to me.
i hate myself for holding on to whatever you told me.
i should have known that words are just words..
and that it's nothing i could really hold on to.
but guess what? i'm letting loose of those words
i'm not being demanding but those words would stay as they are unless you do something.
you are saying too much yet doing so little.
i'm sick of making myself satisfied with the little things that you do.
i'm burnout in believing that there's still hope.. that something would happen..
and i'm so done with it.

now this is the day i fear.
the day i could actually say that i'm tired and i'm giving you up.

you know i would never want to let you go... again. 
but i'm guessing it's not the WANT that matters now..
i guess I NEED to let you go now.

in the end, let me just say that I honestly never got tired of loving you.
i just got tired of assuming, hearing lies, waiting and hurting.
who wouldn't?

i'm done.

Surviving Everyday

It gets harder and harder everyday.

What am I supposed to do now?
I don't see him, I can't talk to him regularly, and If we do, we hardly talk about anything.
I just want to know the real score...
because right now I get torn between whether there's still something or none really..

Ako lang naman yata ang naghihintay.
Maybe it's true.. while I am exclusive to him... he is exclusive with med..
well I pretty much understand that I'm not the priority here. And that's the way it's supposed to be.
and believe it or not, i really understand because if I'm in his shoes, med would also be the priority.

Well something happened last week that got me questioning..
he partied last Friday night and I asked him what happened..
he said he did some catching up with friends, buddies.. and his "chicks"
I admit. I am jealous. I'm in no position to be but I am.

We're not a couple anymore so.. I understand why he did it and why he said it just as easy.
but i can't help but feel jealous :(

I guess I took what we talked about last summer soo seriously..
"basta may kailangan lang akong gawin"
"ano iiwan mo nanaman ako no?"
"hindi na mauulit yun..."
that's why I had this feeling of "exclusiveness" between us..

maybe I just hoped  and believed it too much that's why I'm like this..
but the fact remains that WE ARE NOT A COUPLE ANYMORE..
there's really no "exclusive" thing going on.
he is single.
he can do pretty much whatever he wants.
and this makes me worried, mind fucked everyday.

he can be with me last week, but I don't know for the next days, weeks or months to come.
maybe he just really missed my company.

Not really being demanding here or anything..
I just want some kind of assurance that it's me.. it's still me.
not necessarily we would get back together now. but just a little assurance that I'm waiting for something.

the last time we talked, i asked him if he missed me.
"di mo ba ako namimiss?"
"busy kasi eh.. sorry.. why?"
"Tinatanong ko lang kung namimiss mo ko. alam ko namang busy ka"
"ah. hahaha anong oras ka pupunta"
"di mo naman sinagot. ako na nga lang... I miss you! 6 or 7 daw"
"miss you too"
I dont know if he really does.
well If i haven't asked him a couple of times.. he would say it.
note that i was the one to tell him first.
It seemed like he ignores my question..
It seemed like napilitan lang siyang sagutin just so i would shut up.

He always do this..
not texting.. not even one! for a matter of days or weeks.. ako pa mauunang magtext.
again not being demanding here, pero I doubt that he's not using his phone..
1 or 2 minutes to text me.. hindi naman ganun katagal. kahit isang text lang naman..
but it takes him days.. weeks to send me one message. :(
and when he texts me.. parang wala lang nangyari. we would see each other again,
maguusap ulit.. then wala nanaman.

I guess he doesn't know how much torture it gives me everyday waiting for a message..
or torture it gives me not knowing if I'm still waiting for something..
when he doesn't talk to me, I don't know if he ever will. and it's sad :|

everyday I go through this emotional torture.. everything seems to go soo well.
siya na lang ang hindi.
my friends tell me that i should stop waiting already..
but I just know he's worth the wait and all these torture.
I just hope that he knows what i'm doing for him..
things that i would never do for another guy..

I hate to say this but if not him, no one else would be my man.
he knows this very well.
I may move on from what we had.. but it would take a very very long time for me to be open again..
because he broke me once.. and i managed to pull myself together.
he may break me for the second time but i don't think i would ever get up from that..

i may be able to fight this feeling everyday..
I just hope I would never get tired of this..

The Promise I Live For

i have always lived believing the promise of love...

"no matter how long the time, how far the distance or how impossible it may seem...
love will find its way back to the hearts where it's destined to stay..."

maybe that's the reason I'm still here.
I still have faith,
I still hope,
I still hold on,
I still wait,
and I still love...

and maybe the reason I find it so hard to let go of the person I thought I found love with...

I thought that the most painful thing that I could ever experience is
when he left me,
when I tried so hard to give him what he wants at my cost,
when I'm moving on and I miss him...

but then again, I was wrong.

these days I found myself realizing that there's more pain when he came back,
he made me feel all the things i have longed to feel again,
he made me believe that he will never leave me again,
worst, he made me love him again...
even when he still doesn't love me.
even when he treats me like he just missed my company.
even when nothing has changed.

I don't really know what to do now.
my heart tells me that "I can't loose him again.."
NO NOT AGAIN.
but my mind says that "I shoud not let him hurt me again.."
NO NOT AGAIN.

that day I let him go, I did it for him.
upto the last day of the relationship that I learned to love,
I gave him what HE WANTS
I gave him what can MAKE HIM HAPPY
I gave him the freedom that can make things EASIER FOR HIM...

yes.
I gave it up ALL FOR HIM.
it wasn't easy. it never will.
but for him, I did it.
and though it shattered all of me,
i tried so hard to survive.
not to accept or to be ok
BUT TO SURVIVE...

somehow I managed to live for a month without him..
without communication, without seeing him...

...without him, but with the hope that one day 
he'll come to his senses and realize that 
I'm still the girl he wants to spend his forever with.. 

because again, I still believe in the promise of love...
that no matter how long the time, how far the distance or
how impossible it may seem love will find its way back to my heart and his
where it's destined to stay
FOREVER...

him and my heart

I may not be his first, his last or his only.
He loved before he may love again.
But if he loves me now, what else matters?

He's not perfect- I am not either, the two of us
may never be perfect together but he can make me laugh
cause me to think twice, and admit to being human and
making mistakes, that's why I'm holding on to him and giving him
the most I can.

I may not be thinking about him every second of the day,

"but i will give him a part of me that i know he can break again - my heart."

I will try not to hurt him again, i wont change him, i wont analyze and
expect more than he can give.
I'll smile when he makes me happy, let him
know when he makes me mad, and miss him when he's not here.

I miss my baby and I think somewhere lost inside me.. I still love him.

inescapable torture

after a devastating break up, one can move on from the person who left
and the relationship that died down. the love you once felt will soon fade
and fizzle to nothing... but there's something in break ups that makes it hard
to get along.. to move forward.. to see what's there after the storm... those are
the memories. memories that make you hold on, let you look back and cloud your
mind to the point of sinking in to the past.. and most specially, make you miss the
person you used to love.

you see missing someone you can never regain is like torture.
painful yet you could not do anything about it. because the only person that can make
the pain stop is the same person causing the pain.

needless to say, missing the person is the hardest and most painful part of moving on..
and yes, i'm in great torture all because..

"i'm missing you.."

i miss talking to you about random things
simple conversations.. that we didn't even notice we're falling
i miss that one person that makes me look forward to the end of the day
all because we'd go home together and he'll stay

i miss the way i want to speed up the days towards the weekends
just so i could spend time with you again
i miss getting excited for a specific date on the calendar
knowing that it's a special day for me and my heart

i miss the way you hug me
i feel secured that you would never want to let me go
i miss how you kiss me
how much passion i feel as we move slow
i miss those hugs and kisses
makes me feel that in this world, i'm the girl who's the luckiest

i miss the times when we eat dinner
as we pray with our hands together
i miss the times that i find myself enjoying watching you sleep
as i stroke your hair down, my heart just seems to skip a beat

i miss making those amazing plans
and the way i feel after our slow dance
i miss taking care of my love
i could still remember how thankful I am to the man above

i miss loving you
in all the things you say and do
i miss making you feel special in every way
all for you hun, as i say everyday

i miss how we look forward to our tomorrow
how much i believed it, you will never know
i miss how you made whole
like no one ever made me feel in the world
i miss the way you say you love me
and that I am that one girl you wanted to marry

i miss all those thimes that we used to spend together
all things we do for each other
i miss us thinking that there will be no other
we would rather share our forever..

From here to there!

Moving on is really hard to do.. well not only hard but painful as well. But at one point in time, you would feel the  "kick" you've been waiting for to wake up and face it.


Me? I felt the kick last March 29. The kick was so hard it knocked me down but when I woke up on the 30th of March... I was once again alive.


And yeah I'm moving on!


... and I'm doing it MY STYLE :)


MY STYLE #1 : Cry... alot!!

Well I think it's just human to cry your eyes out after the break up... surely it would take long and I think it's just natural. Others would think that you're over reacting about it but you're actually not. It's painful, so it's ok to cry :)


My friends always tell me that i shouldn't cry and i should be strong instead. But hey! masking and pretending doesn't equate to being strong either! So whenever you feel sad or you feel like crying... just do :) You know it's healthy :)


MY STYLE #2 : Work your fingers!


I'm advising girls to do this one. Write down the things that you feel whenever and whatever! It would help your healing! You can channel your feelings and put them into words. When you write.. you think of a lot of things and most of the time, realizations will come your way :) So better work those fingers! That's one of the greatest gift of God to girls :)


MY STYLE #3 : Pop the Bottles!


Drink! It's not a cure and I know that! but drinking allows me  to release extra tension within! Party hard :) Enjoy yourself! and yes after the party nothing has changed. But that's not my goal here! I don't drink and party to change something! My goal here is to laugh, enjoy, tire myself and feel the freedom even for just one crazy night! If you're going to do this.. don't let others enjoy you too :)


MY STYLE #4 : Fishes Talk!


I talk to other guys! Well that's what I learned. I used to believe that i should be isolated and stuff.. i realized I shouldn't be!! I'm healing but I'm not infectious :) haha! so i talk to them... IT helps me divert my attention especially those guys who like me :) and yeah i know it sounds kinda bitchy but hey! I'm single :) It won't harm me or anyone if i talk to them.. but I'm not engaging in anything serious and I'm not holding them up as well. we just talk.. Plus!!It brings back my lost self confidence! :)

my love.. my forever..

my heart sank :(

i just broke up with the person i love last week..

i miss him a lot.
i love him even more.

and though it kills me to let him go..
i did.
not because i don't love him anymore.
but he already fell out of love..
for the record, i love him so much that my heart died when i said...


" remember what i told you last night? i told you im sorry i was selfish.
for the last time.. i don't want to be selfish anymore. i'm letting you go now"


as much as i don't want to leave him.. i don't want him to suffer as well..
he doesn't love me anymore.
he loves me but not like before.
he said he doesn't want to lie to me.
he said he dies a little inside when he sees me happy when the truth is.. he's faking it.
he said i deserve better than this.
he said "let me go.."

i cried alot.
it did hurt like hell.
i wanted to die.
just the thought of us apart makes me feel doomed.
i love him... so much

frustration.
that's what killed us.
and though both of us wanted what we have so bad.
though we worked hard for it..
we just didn't meet the expectations set by each other.
it hurts me..

it's hard to just swallow every bit of this.
and yes i won't deny that i am tired.
but i'm still more than willing to work things out.
because i want him..
because i need him..
above all, i love him..

i don't want to quit now..
now that we know what we had to know.
now that we know what we should do..
now that we know why we got burnout.

" we tried to solve things by ourselves. we handled it single
handedly when we should've worked on it together"

i could recall we promised to work on it together..
"pag my problema, tandem tayong dalawa"

i agreed and i was soo touched and i felt important.
but this turned out to be one of our frustrations..

i asked him to stay after the break up..
but then he said no let me go.
and that's just a bitter pill i had to take in.
i asked him to stay not just to make me feel better..
but i asked him to stay because i still cherish what we could share..
and if there's one thing that i want to do, it would be making it right with him this time.
this time.. we would be together in all things.
this time.. we would turn our promise to reality.
because how we deal with things may change..
but the way i feel this love for him... i just know won't change.


...i just broke up with the person i love last week..

i miss him a lot.
i love him even more. :(